How To Have That Difficult Conversation

You know...the One You've Been Putting Off

Like fire fighters running toward a fire while everyone else is running away, healthy leaders must be willing to run toward difficult conversations when everyone else is avoiding them.

The problem is that many of us are allergic to conflict. Who hasn’t felt the anxious knots in their stomach, sweaty palms, or maybe a racing heart when faced with a hard conversation? And while no one enjoys these challenging talks, developing the skills to have them is essential.

Lifting the Lid

Most people can share 90% of what they think and feel with others, but reserve the last 10% because they’re afraid of hurting them or making them angry. This ends up being a major lid to our relationships.

Breakthrough conversations…discovering that gold…is found in that last 10%.

Last 10% conversations happen when leaders refuse to internalize and choose to verbalize and share and discover the truth in the love.

We tend to fall somewhere along this spectrum when it comes to conflict: either we believe we care so much we don’t confront, or we confront without caring.

The Apostle Paul mentors Timothy on one aspect of confronting:

2 Timothy 2:24–26 (ESV)

²⁴ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, ²⁵ correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

“Correcting opponents in gentleness” at times is going to be needed. Loving someone deeply means caring enough to confront in love when needed. Kerry Patterson writes in his book, Crucial Accountability¹, that before we “care-front” someone we need to decide WHAT needs to be confronted.

A Helpful Model

To decide what to confront, use the acronym: C.P.R.

C: Content

Reflect on what has taken place that you need to talk through. Usually a single event in the here and now, for example: “you didn’t show up like you said you would” or “you yelled at one of our team members during our staff meeting.”

Then beyond one instance, we look to address any pattern.

P: Pattern

Here, you’re lining out the pattern of behavior. “This is the second time this has happened” or “For the last four weeks you’ve continued to not show up to rehearsal.”

But you can’t stop there, you need to tie this to how all of this is impacting the relationship.

R: Relationship

For example: “All of this has begun to affect our relationship when it comes to you and I, and honestly the group as a whole. I find myself wondering if I can trust you.”

To help pick the right level, explore what came after the behavior:

- ie loss of trust

- hurt feelings

- loss of credibility

This will help you line out the impact what’s been experienced and the “why” of the conversation.

Mastering Our Stories:

Before we sit down with someone to confront, we must master our stories.

All of us tell ourselves an internal story about the person we need to confront: ‘They just don’t care’, ‘They’re doing this on purpose’, ‘They’re simply selfish’, ‘They think I’m a terrible leader.’

What are you telling yourself about the person you need to sit down with? What are you telling yourself their motives are?

These narratives we tell ourselves add unneeded heightened emotion to these conversations. The truth is we simply don’t know what’s driving someone’s actions.

Instead, choose this path in mastering your internal stories:

1.  “I’m choosing to believe the best, until I found out otherwise from them personally.”

2.  “They’re human and under construction just like me.”

3.  “They have real stressors that I might not be aware of that are impacting this area of their life.”

Some Final Thoughts:

-Be praying through it all. You’re not alone. The Lord is with you!

-Don’t put it off. Choose a time to sit down in private or (if needed) another trusted individual to talk through the issue.

-Avoid groundhog day. Change the conversation if you continue to have to confront the same issue over and over. Begin to talk about deeper values behind the behavior and any potential boundaries that may need to be laid out.

1. Patterson, Kerry. Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior, Second Edition: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, ... and Bad Behavior, Second Edition AUDIO (p. 45). McGraw-Hill Education. Kindle Edition.